I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me