You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Dear Lord..
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.