Barbie gone wild
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!