Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard