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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.