Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill