Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…