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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”