Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.