KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Ken is short for chicken
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on