can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me irl
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Bit chilly again tonight.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.