Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Cool shirt 🙂
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
iPhone X
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK