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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
starting a garage orchestra
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
worst…sale…ever
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?