*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.