Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”