ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
only 11 steps left
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.