Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there