my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.