of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you