“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
You Might Also Like
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
had to make it
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics