I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I love twitter
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.