The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
me irl
the noise i just made
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
tinder is all about the long game
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.