Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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Worst Native American name ever.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.