You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Erm…
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.