Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
You deplete me
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round