I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
You Might Also Like
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.