[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish