(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
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I am yelling
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me