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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
early stone age tool
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.