The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.