CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.