I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*