Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Every photo I’m tagged in
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
fr
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!