[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.