I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista