When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
normalize having existential bread
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.