I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”