corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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oh u like geography? name every lake
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I put the h in mysterious.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.