Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
what are they serving at kfc then???
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.