Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men