Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.