Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
You Might Also Like
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Oh thanks BBC.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.