Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
happy friday
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me as a therapist: omg same