C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
the three branches of government
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.