Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*