What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
just pretend nothing happened
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?