[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.