My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…