I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.