me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.